Allan Takes Aim Blog

Christmas is not a Silly season

Posted on: 8 December 2009


First Published “The Chronicle” Tuesday December1, 2009  

Although a global warming sceptic the performance of Federal MPs over the past few months nearly persuaded me that man plays a major role in global warning. With apologies to Churchill: Never has so much hot air been expended by so many for so little.

That man exhales Carbon Dioxide (CO2) is known, but it seems to me the performance of our Federal Politicians must have caused such an enormous increase in CO2 emissions that in the interests of the planet a sequestration sink in which to bury their breath should be dug out under Federal Parliament. At the same time, to make full use of the sink, the breath from staff in the many bureaucratic offices with which Canberra is well endowed, and the breath from academia, business and the ACT Legislative Assembly, should also be piped up to Capital Hill and buried in the sink.

Interestingly, while researching the content of the human breath, I found that, apart from containing CO2, it contains a greater level of Nitrous Oxide (N2O), a more dangerous greenhouse gas, better known as an anaesthetic and/or laughing gas. Indeed N2O is so dangerous that, over a century of use, it will have 298 times more impact per unit weight than CO2. If you don’t believe me but can contain your disbelief until 2013 when Canberra celebrates its centenary, you will then be able to measure it.

When I learned this it dawned on me that perhaps politicians should not only be paying greater heed to N2O than to CO2 but also that they should be talking less, an action that would give many voters pleasure, otherwise they could cause the Silly Season to last for months.

But perhaps what made the effect of N2O more serious was my recollection of Government Members falling about laughing recently when Brendan Nelson said Malcolm Turnbull suffered from a narcissistic personality disorder. Being a sceptic I wondered why they had laughed: was it because they were affected by a build up of N2O or knew that, in the narcissism stakes, Turnbull would run a distant last to Kevin Rudd?

Fortunately every cloud has a silver lining and that being the case it’s good to know that one Opposition Member at least, doesn’t need N2O to get a laugh: Wilson Tuckey manages it, even if the laughter is directed at himself.

But the more I thought of Tuckey the more I thought the behaviour of all MPs needed examination starting with Prime Minister Rudd. As I examined the PMs behaviour the more worried I became because he seemed to display symptoms of some very serious conditions: ARS (Always Right Syndrome), PM (Political Megalomania) and PV (Political Viagrism).

To some degree, every politician suffers from ARS and PM but not every politician suffers from Political Viagrism, the artificial economic stimulus condition that compels politicians to give away huge sums of your money in the hope it makes them look generous.

However, that the PM suffers from PV is somewhat of a paradox because at times he also displays symptoms of PRS (Political Reduction Syndrome) a condition that compels politicians to avoid giving money away in the hope of looking like a conservative and tough economic manager.

Sadly I have to report that some Members of the ACT Government seem affected in the same way as their Federal colleagues. For example: Chief Minister Jon Stanhope seems affected by ARS, PM, PV and PRS and, while it might be stretching things a bit, it’s hard not to think that Treasurer Katy Gallagher and Planning Education and Tourism Minister Andrew Barr are affected, albeit less seriously, with the same conditions as Gillard and Swan.

But with Christmas soon upon us and with Christmas a time for being generous, let me say, that although critical of the Assembly’s performance at times, I wouldn’t be without it; I mean what would I do for a laugh?

I think most Canberrans secretly agree with me, not necessarily about it being good for a laugh, but about trying to make sense of what it does. That apart isn’t Christmas wonderful?

For the best Canberra Community news “The Chronicle.” Published every Tuesday

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1 Response to "Christmas is not a Silly season"

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