Allan Takes Aim Blog

Politics need deworming

Posted on: 14 April 2010

Oligochaetology is the science of worms, those highly intelligent animals without which neither gardens nor fields would flourish. Indeed, without worms earth would be desert and most of the human race would starve to death.

Indeed were I a member of the Oligochaetologists’ Society, I would be pressing for action to be taken against Prime Minister Kevin Rudd and Opposition Leader Tony Abbott on behalf of the worms involved in the televised health debate from the National Press Club, Tuesday, March 23, for cruelty to the worms involved. I would also be pressing the Society of Voters to take similar action against both men for wasting their time.

Not only was it obvious to any one watching the debate that the two worms involved were being exposed to serious mental cruelty at having to adjudicate the debate but also that the journalists in attendance and viewing voters could have been employed in doing something more useful than listening to glib words they had heard or written about many times before.

Unfortunately although TV viewers and journalists could have avoided watching or attending the debate the worms couldn’t because they were captives. This, in turn, raises two more questions. 1. Did Channels Seven and Nine gain the worms’ permission to use them in the debate; and 2. How were they paid? If the worms were neither asked to appear nor paid for their appearance they should not be used at the next two debates.

Nonsense you might say but, later when you know the worm’s contribution to Australia you might even come to think it would be wiser to elect a government of worms rather than one headed by either Rudd or Abbott.

That said people who think worms are only good for fish bait should think again. Worms, I’ll have you know, are among nature’s top “soil scientists.” Unlike allegedly top politicians such as Rudd and Abbott who are still fishing around trying to devise a good health system, worms have devised a health system for soils that helps plants keep healthy and productive. It pleases me to know that many worms have decided to take up residence in my garden.

And just in case you didn’t know, not only do worms help increase the amount of air and water that goes into the soil they are great recyclers who break down organic matter, like leaves grass and rubbish, by eating, digesting it and turning it into the fertiliser that helps plants grow. Can the same be said about what Rudd and Abbott leave behind?

In the context of this debate, and from what I can gather, all that Rudd and Abbott left behind was a group of p…d off journalists, viewers and voters who, when the debate ended, were no wiser about health polices than they were when the debate started. On that basis it seems that, unlike worms, Rudds and Abbotts are of little use.

Unlike worms, which “turn” the soil and bring down organic matter from the top to mix with the soil, Rudd and Abbott seemed to drag their politics down into the muck of personal insults, lying, and ambiguous statements that produced nothing except bulls…t. And though bulls..t is usually good fertilizer, when Rudd’s and Abbott’s leavings were examined they were shown to be sterile.

The following also goes to show how worms are more useful than politicians. For example: 500,000 worms living in an acre of soil can excrete 50 tonnes of fertiliser and create a drainage system 610 metres long with a 15 centimetre pipe while 500,000 Rudds, Abbotts and others of their ilk living in a proportionate space will produce thousands of tonnes of sterile bull…t.

Readers, of course, are entitled to voice their opinion. However, I suspect the respective supporters of Rudd and Abbott will say this column is a load of bulls..t and while I respect their opinion, I think most readers will agree with me more than with them.

But it’s an ill wind that blows no one any good so let me say the debate did produce one good thing: Chris Uhlmann as moderator. Not that that surprises me. What else would you expect from an old Chronicle man?


2 Responses to "Politics need deworming"

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