Allan Takes Aim Blog

Mammoths live

Posted on: 20 May 2010


 Are you one of the few who haven’t seen or heard of the fi1m “Jurassic Park, ” the film in which dinosaurs, including the ferocious velociraptor, were re-created using DNA extracted from the blood of mozzies that had fed on the blood of dinosaurs before being fossilised in amber?

I can only say I’m glad I wasn’t around at the time because, if dinosaurs were as thick skinned as they say they were then on the basis of mozzie bites today, the mozzies of that time must have been equally as ferocious as the velociraptor. And though smaller than dinosaurs, the mozzies clearly had better survival skills because they are still around while the dinosaurs and velociraptors are extinct, which brings me indirectly to the subject of today’s column.

Recently, I read that renowned Japanese scientist, Professor Kazufumi Goto, intended to try and re-create the woolly mammoth, said to be extinct for around 5000 years, from semen extracted from mammoth carcases cryogenically entombed in Siberia’s frozen wastes.

The good professor thinks that if he can then inseminate an Indian Elephant  -a known genetic relative of the mammoth- soon he would be able to entertain the world with the spectacle of a woolly mammoth rampaging around the tundra.

Why does Professor Goto want to restore the mammoth? Allegedly, the Chinese value elephant tusks highly because when the tusks are ground down to powder and consumed by humanist is said to have strong aphrodisiac qualities. But, surely just because Japan’s population has declined and caused a drop in the sales of domestic products, the Japanese aren’t thinking of mass manufacturing aphrodisiacs from woolly mammoth tusks in an effort to boost their population to China’s 1.2 billion level? Indeed in these days of climate change some people are saying that population growth should be contained. 

Of course if China’s population level could be attributed to the aphrodisiac qualities of elephant tusks, one would have to admit that would be an impressive recommendation? However, it seems to me, that keeping the woolly mammoths under ice while making sure the Chinese didn’t get any more elephant tusks for the manufacture of aphrodisiacs would be a more sensible thing to do. Indeed by digging up and re-creating mammoths, Professor Goto could, unwittingly, have provided the means by which dinosaurs could be re-created and in doing so make the contents of thousands of Pandora’s Boxes seem like mild afflictions.

Australian politicians and megalomaniacs (could you spot the difference in a spot the difference competition?) who think their influence should continue forever would seize on the process, seeing in it the potential for giving them a kind of immortality. They would rush legislation through parliament that allowed Australia’s Antarctic Territory to be used as a cryogenic site and semen-try. I have since been given to understand that the reason three parliamentarians undertook an Antarctic expedition in 1996 was to confirm the Antarctic as a suitable site. 

I understand also that the ice caves in the Antarctic necropolis where the bodies would be interred would be architect designed and real estate developers would market the development. The Semen-tery would have separate sections for different groups, for example politicians and property developers and a fail-safe method of marking burial spots. These measures would be necessary to guard against errors in future re-creations.

Just think how disastrous it would be, if in the future, because of the disappearance of igloo markers, a croygenised Howard was re-created instead of a cryogenised Kevin Rudd; Conrad Black instead of Rupert Murdoch; Kerry Stokes instead of Kerry Packer and Bob Brown instead of the Leader of the Nuclear industry? Imagjne the chaos if decades into the future because parliamentary speaking standards had fallen into such a state of decline that it became necessary to recreate politicians of outstanding oratorical skills for example Pauline Hanson, Martin Ferguson, Steve Fielding and Winston Tuckey, to teach politicians how to speak.

And just to ensure that if life in the future needed a touch of spice, part of the ice necropolis could be set aside for interring the remains of the many people who have kept us enthralled as their lives were laid bare in the tabloids or turned into television series suitable only for adults.

In the case of Canberra however, perhaps it might be better to invite Professor Goto to vist every house of parliament where he’d see do many woolly mammoths still walking around that he’d immediately cancel his experiment.


8 Responses to "Mammoths live"

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